By Rheagan Rizio
Dearest masculine diary,
I asked Kimberly to coronation today. I did it in the best way possible, like, I don’t think anyone could have done better I made her a sign on binder paper that I ripped out of my binder five minutes before I asked her. I wrote coro on it, and after misspelling it three times, I was able to fit the correct spelling underneath all the cross-outs. I tried writing her name, but it didn’t fit. So I just crossed that out, too. She was so happy to be asked by me, it’s crazy. She cried while she said yes, how sweet. I’m getting measured for my tux soon, and I have to go buy a penguin, so it’s time for me to take my leave. I’ll report back soon.
Coronation this year was… interesting, to say the least. My date was awesome, Kimberly Parker, super hot and all that. We’re perfect for each other. We don’t really talk, and I don’t think she’s capable of having a conversation that isn’t about clothes or hair, but who cares about all that stuff when we would make such attractive children? But that weird girl Ophelia kept following me around, like seriously what is her problem. I was pretty embarrassed to be seen with her. Did she choose her outfit? Did she look in a mirror at all? I consider myself to be extremely fashion-forward. I mean, I went to the dance wearing a hot pink tuxedo with a bright orange vest and yellow polka-dot bow tie, just to show how much I don’t care about social norms. Genius idea, right? But her outfit was just odd. She wore some weird dress that was like, tight-fitting, but then had some weird ruffle in the middle… I think it’s called a pelpum dress? But there wasn’t just one ruffle in the middle, the ruffles continued all the way down to the bottom of the dress, which was floor-length. I don’t think she wore any shoes. And I’m pretty sure she clipped plastic flowers into her hair. At one point she attempted to put a flower on me in my jacket… Our theme this year was prehistoric, and there were a bunch of dinosaurs decorations… wait a minute. I saw one of them move but I just assumed I was imagining it. But maybe not, maybe they’re aliens from another planet, and Ophelia is their sleeper agent who’s been tasked with following me.
I found a weird electronic device in my bed and phone today. I don’t know what to think; I was just kidding before about being followed by aliens but honestly, it’s all starting to make sense now. It’s no wonder all these weird things have been happening to me. I’m the perfect male specimen for them to take to begin a new human colony in their home world. I’m good looking, super yolked, and a supreme lady killer. And I really think that Ophelia girl is their agent. She keeps following me around and showing up wherever I happen to be. And I mean, at first I got it, because like I said before, I’m super hot. But it’s getting a little extreme.
That’s it, I can’t take it anymore— I’m running away. Today I left my phone unattended on the cafeteria table for like two minutes, and it was stolen. They took it, I’m sure of it. The aliens took it. I need to leave. I have scoped out a nice tree, and have purchased boxes upon boxes of tinfoil which I intend to wrap around my head to block the radio transmissions they are no doubt sending my way. They think they can read my mind? Well, think again. I’m too smart and cunning for that. BRB, shaving my head.
She found me. She’s standing outside my tree right now, she’s been there for 10 days and I think it’s time I confront the beast… this may be my last check-in. I’ve spent the past 72 hours whittling a spear, and I’m preparing to go into battle. I’ve stripped down to the skirt I made out of leaves and dental floss that I scavenged from someone’s trash can. I have also adorned my body with war paint that I have created out of mashed-up cashews and peanuts. Wish me luck.